Reality Check

Last night I experienced the single worst moment of my life.

We were getting ready for bed. Baby T downed about half his bottle and then he and I were sitting on the floor doing the diaper and pajama thing. It was an ordinary night. He was standing up as I zipped the front zipper to his footy pjs. In my mind, I hear the woosh of the zipper, see him tipping the bottle to his mouth and then I hear some sort of noise. I can't describe the sound.

Then my baby just collapsed in my arms. He went stiff and unresponsive. His eyes were closed and he didn't seem to be breathing. My first thoughts were that he was choking but he hadn't had any opportunity to put anything into his mouth. He hadn't gagged or coughed before collapsing. He was turning red. I thumped his back. Still no reaction. He was just in my arms limp. His mouth area was turning blue.

I screamed for my husband who was downstairs. I scared the crap out of JP who was playing in the living room with us. He started crying but I was too frantic to deal with that. I yelled again. And again. Finally I carried T to the stairs and yelled directly into the basement. Dad came scurring up. He was freaked out. I was freaked out.

He grabbed T and grabbed the phone. I just stood there. What could I do? I headed to JP to calm him down but then realized that I couldn't leave T. I just stood there paralyzed.

As we were on the phone with 911, T opened his eyes. He was back! Thank God!

I have never been so scared in my life! He was a little out of it and kept nodding off. The 911 dispatcher told us to take him to Urgent Care just to check everything out. As we loaded him in the van, he smiled at his Daddy. That eased some of our anxiety.

That was the longest drive of my life. Then the Urgent Care folks told me I would have to take him to the Hospital Emergency room. So I loaded him up and set a new record for the the longest drive of my life. Of course, this is after 9 pm and he is a tired boy. I am alone with him in the car (Dad stayed home with JP) and T keeps dozing off. I am panicked. Is he sleeping or is he unconscious. He has not even made a peep since the "event".

Finally, we get to the hospital. He just seems to bounce back. He finally starts babbling again--a lot infact. He was friendly and smiling at the hospital personnel. He was up and exploring every nook and cranny in the exam room. He was acting fine. He didn't seem bothered at all.

I wish I had an explanation. I wish I had an assurance that this won't happen again. They couldn't give me one. But they don't think it was a seizure. He didn't twitch while unconscious and he had a pretty quick recovery. They say this "kind of thing"actually happens pretty often with young kids. They compared it to a fainting spell. But why would he have "fainted". He wasn't having a coughing attack. He wasn't in the midst of a tantrum. He was just getting ready to drink his bottle. I don't know...

But how do I relax? How do I go to bed at night with him in the other room? Those lifeless 2-3 minutes felt like an eternity. They will be etched in my mind forever. But I must say that everything (Autism included) has been put into perspective for me!