Milestones and Obessions

Tomorrow T turns a year old! I can’t believe it! He is my baby! How can he be 1 already?

Although I am giddy with excitement to celebrate his birthday I have to admit that there has been this gray cloud hovering in the distance. You see, ever since we found out we were expecting a boy, my nerves have been vibrating. First I thought, “Yea! A baby. Well, 1 in 166. Okay I can handle that." Then I thought, “a boy. Yikes!" Then I thought, “a boy sibling to a boy on the spectrum. @*#$."

First I need to state that I am a compulsive worrier. I stress over everything. I don’t even need real issues to stress over! But damn, here I am with a real BIG issue. How am I going to keep from having my head explode?

So during my pregnancy, I convinced myself to relax and just enjoy these first months. You see, JP met all of his milestones his first year. He walked on cue, he babbled like he should. He even said, “Mommy” and “Daddy”. He was doing great…until his words faded, his interactions faded and he was “Autistic”. I told myself that I owed it to T to enjoy this first year and get to know the boy within. If that boy changes, than so be it, but I want to cherish this time.

And we really truly have! He is a beautiful happy boy with a smile glued on his face. He is calm and peaceful and a bit ornery. Grandma refers to him as Curious George because he always has that big goofy smile on his face! But how can he be a year old already!

I know that I need to find a way to control my anxiety? It can't be healthy for any of us if I start obsessing over him. Yet, I still find myself obsessing over where JP lost his skills. I look back at pictures and I see pretend play at 18 months. I always see smiles. But then, who takes pictures during a meltdown? JP babbled and had words. But when did he stop using them? When! I need to know! I swear that I can feel the stress growing and taking over my whole being. Will T continue to meet his developmental milestones or will he venture off on the path with his brother?

Either way, I know that he will be a remarkable young man and that he will be happy. I will see to that! I just really want my baby to not have to experience the frustrations and the confusions that his big brother experiences every waking moment. Please! Please let life be easier to him! PLEASE!