A much needed release

Well, I screwed up. I'll state that at the beginning. It really isn't that hard to admit. I don't like admitting it but it is bound to happen now and then.

Today T had a well baby checkup. My calendar said at 1:45pm. Dad arranged to work from home so that JP could stay home with him. When Dad asked me what time the appointment was I said it was either 1:15 or 1:45. I couldn't remember. I'd have to check the calendar. We live and breath by our calendar. It tells us what we need to do and where we need to be.

So T and I leave for the doctor. JP is playing Nick Jr and under Dad's care. Our drive goes rather smoothly. I am strangely at peace that we aren't rushing so I let T walk alongside me while holding my hand. His little feet scrambling as fast as he can to keep up. We walk into the lobby. We aren't rushing because we are quite early for our appointment. T pushes the elevator button. We get in. We get out. We walk through the empty waiting room to the receptionist. I tell her who we are and who we are there to see.

She says that since we are late for our appointment we will have to reschedule. My jaw hits the floor. We're late? Our appointment is for 1:45! She says that it was for 1:15. I'm disoriented but figure mistakes happen. I politely assume credit for the mistake and say that I must have written it down wrong. I nicely inquire that since we are here and they don't appear too busy maybe the doctor can still fit us in.

Nope. We'll have to reschedule. I pause as she grabs the schedule book. I stammer. Well, I can't reschedule right now because I have to have my calendar. We have our life organized down to the 15 minutes and I don't know what date and time we would be able to arrange. I guess I'll have to call the office. She tells me to do that.

T and I start to walk back to the elevators. We walk through the barren lobby. There is not another single living breathing patient to be seen. My brain starts thinking how ridiculous it is for us to drive all the way back home, call to make an appointment and come back another time when the doctor obviously isn't over booked for the day. The elevator has already arrived when I decide to give it another try.

We approach the receptionist again. I explain that our lives are crazy and if I made a mistake on the time I apologize but since the doctor doesn't seem too busy could they squeeze us in. (Ha! How do you squeeze into a wide open space??)

No.

I state that surely if we were a sick child they could work us in. I explain that it is a well baby visit and we aren't getting any shots so it wouldn't even take that long.

She explains that if you are more than 15 minutes late you have no choice but to reschedule. It is policy. (At this moment I see the doctor walk by in the hall and go into his office.) No other patients are wandering around. And that proves that he is still there and not already out on the golf course.

Uh. Okay.

We turn and walk to the elevator. We get in. I am pretty sure I have steam coming out of my ears. This is ridiculous. The doctor is there. He isn't even seeing a patient. There are no patients in the lobby. It isn't that late. Had we shown up "on time" he would still be with us.

T walks alongside me to the van. I walk to the passenger side to open his door but find that my clicker won't work. I scoop him up and walk around the van to the driver side where I can unlock it with my key. While I am there I grab the cell phone thinking that I'll call my husband to bitch about the lunacy in the world. That is when I look at the phone and it says 1:39.

According to the brick wall behind the reception desk, " if you are more than 15 minutes late you must reschedule". Even if my appointment was at 1:15 by their standard I had until 1:30. I have had time to argue with her twice and walk to my van. I have no doubt that it has been more than 9 minutes since my blood pressure spiked. Even if there hadn't been time for 9 full minutes to elapse that means that I showed up in her lobby probably right at that 15 minute mark.

Damn it. That isn't fair. She is messing with me. If she wants to play by the "rules" than I am going to let her know that she is also in violation of the 15 minute rule. I put T in the stroller and we marched back in. We take the elevator and approach her desk.

I explain that according to the clock on my cell phone it is now 1:41. If we are operating based on their 15 minute late policy than I was very much here before or right at that time. She doesn't budge. That is the rule. Since it is now 1:41 that makes us much more than 15 minutes late. She doesn't make the rules. She just has to follow them.

I state that this is ridiculous. I'm arguing principle more than anything. I am just annoyed.

Here is the thing. This doctor is a nice guy. He has been fairly supportive of our work with our DAN doctor. He was totally on board about us waiting until T is older to vaccinate. In fact, he suggested it! I really wanted to tell them that with customer service like this they can go to hell. But I can't. I hear horror stories about doctors that "fire" families that don't vaccinate their kids. At the very best, most autism families have doctors that "tolerate" their dabbling with biomedicals. This doctor shows interest in what we do. He is former military and believes that there is reason to pause about the vaccination components. He talked at great length about the Gulf War Syndrome issues and the amount of vaccinations we gave our troops before they served. He really is an open minded and respectful doctor. BUT his office policies suck!

So here is the thing. I just kept getting more and more angry on the drive home. I figured I messed up the time. In fact, the calendar on my refrigerator does have 1:45. The explanation is that I had a paper calendar I was working off until all of our summer events got confirmed. On that calendar I had written 1:15. So I screwed up when I took the paper calendar and put it on the computer copy that I printed for the frig. I messed it up. Yep, it was my error.

But am I being unreasonable to be annoyed with their unwillingness to see us. The receptionist was condescending and was just so damn unfriendly. I am not a flake. Perhaps the most annoying part to me is that we were incredibly early for the time I THOUGHT we were supposed to be there! I am a conscientious parent and I understand that the doctor's time is valuable. I did not blow off the appointment expecting them to be there waiting when we arrived. I was not meaning any disrespect but I totally felt disrespect in return.

Anyway, we came home. Dad was on a conference call for work and gave me a perplexed look. His look said, "what the hell are you doing home so early." That is when I lost it.

Was it because of the doctors office? Somewhat. But I am so tired of walking a tightrope. I am so tired of life having to be planned down to the 15 minute interval. I am so tired of having to figure out how to fit my square peg family into the round holes of society. I am so tired of rules that have to be followed in order to not experience anxiety attacks or meltdowns. I am so tired of having to plan and prepare for every single event of our lives.

I want to be the mom who can just show up to a doctor's office 15 minutes late and expect things to work out. I am frustrated because for those moms life does works out. I never get to be that mom and it is taking a toll on me. I am so sick of beating my head against the wall. I am exhausted. I want life to give me a break for once. Why does everything have to be so hard?

Is this experience with the doctor's office really equal to the amount of tears I have generated? No. But apparently I needed the release.



**For the record, although autism has thoroughly exhausted me it has apparently done me some good. I would never have been brave enough to stand up to the receptionist before. I never ever spoke up for myself. Ever!