The life of a little brother

In my previous post, I mentioned that I had two half sisters. But they are so much older than me that I still pretty much grew up as an only child. They lived with us off and on but we never had a real "sibling" relationship. I always longed for that close sisterly love. Of course, I had that "Leave it to Beaver" kind of expectation for family. I have sense learned that no one can live up to that.

Still, I look at my boys and I hope and dream that they will share a special bond. I understand that boys are different than girls and my sisterhood fantasy is not really applicable here. But I want them to know that they are blood and that no matter what life deals them they can always count on their family. Of course this dream is even more poignant due to JP's disability and what it means for all of our futures.

I can't help but reflect on T and what this means to him. He has spent his entire life tagging along to JP's therapies. We go to OT and watch JP play on all the swings and do all kinds of fun activities. Now that T is mobile (in other words, can't be contained) he sometimes gets to sit in the ball pit or swing in the baby swing. But that is not nearly as exciting as what brother gets to do. We go to speech preschool and T is cooped up in a small room with 3-4 adults who are trying to watch their children through a one way mirror. He has to be pretty quiet. Between juggling both boys I just can't take very many toy with us. Sometimes T gets to come watch gymnastics. JP gets to run and jump and spin around on his head. T just giggles as he watches but gets frustrated when he can't seem to get the door open so he can go try it. No matter how you look at it, T has spent his entire 20 months on this earth watching his big brother.

Let's face it, life is about JP's services. But these services have taught JP to talk and they are teaching him to socialize and deal with the sensory obstacles in life. These services are for the betterment of JP, T, DWAM and me. These services are helping JP learn how to be a brother and hopefully improving his future relationship with T. I really believe that the chaos right now is so that we can have a better quality of life later. Truthfully, next year will be the start of "later". JP will be in school and won't have the time to be shuttled from therapy to therapy. Life will change for all of us in August.

During this last school year, T and I did a Mommy and me class at the YMCA. He did like the class but it is not held during the summer. Even if it was, we couldn't do it. JP would be with us and I am not ready to drop him off for the Y Kid Care. I've seen the set up. 60 kids running around with 1-2 teenagers moping behind them. Nope. Not going to do it. T and I will start back in the class when it returns in the fall.

Yesterday we had a play date with another spectrum friend. He is 6. His 3 year old little brother came also. Our guests and JP were jumping on the trampoline. T wanted to join them. I do let him get on with his brother usually but this was a bit crazy. Our wild friends kept bouncing off each other and I knew it wasn't safe for T. (I'm not sure it was safe for the others!) But all poor little T knew was that I wouldn't lift him up on the trampoline where all the other big guys were giggling and having a blast. Life was not fair!

Yesterday while our friends were visiting we got out our Geotrack train. This train gets put away for a few months and then when it comes out it is like a brand new train. We set it up in the basement so that we could leave it up for a few days. The basement tends to have "little choke hazards" so we limited T's time down there. Well, since setting up the train, JP has been living down there. T and I joined him for some train time this afternoon. T was really really excited to play with the train tracks. And I must say that he actually does a pretty good job with it. However, the bridge is pretty wobbly and it always falls down--especially for an inexperienced conductor like T. This destruction drives JP crazy!

After about 15 minutes, JP started yelling, "No T. You must go upstairs." It broke my heart. T just wanted to play with his big brother. His big brother is his idol. Whatever JP does, T wants to do. I explained to JP that T is just a little guy and he is still learning how to play trains. I told him that it is our job (JP's and mine) to teach T how to play. We have to teach him how to share his toys and play with other kids. T knocked the bridge over again. I showed JP how T tried to put it back together but he didn't know how. I explained that we needed to use our words and then show him how. "Can you help me do that", I asked. JP responded with, "Yes, now you must take T upstairs".

I was torn. JP did awesome sharing all his toys and trains with our friends yesterday. Even this prized Geotrack train. The basement really is his sanctuary. But he also needs to learn that T has feelings and wants to play with his big brother. I wanted to honor JP's words and his wishes. He doesn't often articulate them so well. But I don't want T to feel like his wishes don't matter.

Ugh. I know this is just the tip of the iceberg. It is only going to get harder to keep life fair. Okay, I know that life isn't fair. But we are a family. And we owe it to both boys to make sure that they feel loved and respected. As T is getting older I am starting to wonder if we are already being unfair to him. On paper it could seem that way.

Truthfully, he is a very happy go lucky little man. He is such a little trooper. He clamors to get his shoes when I say it is time to go. He rushes to the door to wiggle the door handle. In fact, I would swear that he gets bored when we stay at home on the weekends. He actually said, "Where JP" to his dad when he woke up from a nap and JP wasn't around. He idolizes his big brother. He expects activity but I don't think he realizes that he isn't the "active" one.

I know that he isn't even 2 yet and that their relationship has barely even begun. But I vow that T is going to continue loving his big brother as he grows up. We will find a way to make sure that we don't allow any wedge to come between them. I know that the reality is that JP will likely require more support from us than T will. I know that the reality is that many siblings resent this "favoritism". I am going to do everything in my power to make sure that T doesn't grow up to resent JP's disability. But that really is a tall order. Hell, there are days that I resent autism and what is brings to our lives. How can I expect T not to feel that way sometimes? But I am committed to making this happen. I just can't help but struggle right now wondering if I need to be laying the ground work already.

I think that August will bring about a lot of changes for our family. JP will be in school all day and that will open up a lot of time for T. We will get back into our Mommy and me class and maybe we will find another activity for him. He needs a special event just for him. Something that is all about T! As nervous as I am for JP to be at school, I am excited to think about what these changes will mean for T. Finally, he will have some special time where he can be the cruise director and be the one to keep us busy!