Well, I read my (non autism) book! But I have to say that I made a poor choice. No, the book was excellent. It was The Innocent Man by John Grisham. It just wasn't something that I needed to read right now.
Let me summarize it with the final paragraph from the book jacket.
"If you believe that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, this book will shock you. If you believe in the death penalty, this book will disturb you. If you believe the criminal justice system is fair, this book will infuriate you. "
Yeah, I don't need to be any more infuriated. Then, to add salt to the wound, the main character is mostly vulnerable to the justice system because of his own mental illness. The various people around him assume his guilt because he is "weird" and doesn't act normal. He spends a number of years on death row and is actually almost executed for a crime he didn't commit!
If that isn't horrifying enough, the reader learns about the malicious taunting he gets in prison from the guards who enjoy provoking his paranoia and delusions. They also play with his medications so that he will be quiet when they want him to be quiet and then mix them up when they want him to get belligerent (in the court room). Perhaps I internalized this story too much because of key quirks in the main character. For example, his uncanny ability to remember entire bible verses, transcripts from his case or even small details about miscellaneous events in his life. No, he isn't ever diagnosed on the spectrum but that doesn't stop me from visualizing my child in his place.
So while that story is haunting me, I decide to visit some of my friendly bloggers in cyberspace. That is where I come across Mommyguilt's Can they do this? The situation she is referring to disturbs me greatly. I won't summarize except to say that it is another place where the system is failing a child.
On the up side, I had a story swirling in my head from a post I had recently encountered at Club166, What a difference a day makes . He had a heartwarming story about a young autistic man who made "employee of the quarter" at his office. I very eagerly joined him in celebrating this victory. However, since I only recently discovered Club166, I had some catching up to do. So I followed his reference back to an earlier post that explained some of his family's wounds. What a roller coaster ride! I am warmed by the story of success for the man at work but I am a little more frantic from what his family experienced due to a "blunder" by the school district.
Stories like this make me worry. How can we ever keep up on everything that could/should/would happen to our children? How do we help them succeed and make sure that they don't miss out on the opportunities that are out there. How do we protect them from social injustice?
I can look into the innocent eyes of my 5 year old and tell myself that everyone will love him. So far, everyone does. But I have to grow up along with him and realize that the world is not as forgiving for us as we grow older. A tantrum in a toddler is almost considered cute. A tantrum in an 8 year old is not. So many of our kids become 8 year olds with the language and emotions of a toddler. They look "normal". Society expects them to act "normal". Let's face it--the are not "normal". How do we protect them from those unfair expectations?
Beyond this, I also had a fellow autism parent contact me to talk about our kids. No, not our 5 year olds. Our baby boys. She is worrying about the baby. I feel for her and I tried to put up a brave face. But what can I say? This fear will resurface over and over again. Her little guy is only 4 months old. I didn't want to tell her that she is going to continue to feel this way over and over again. It comes and it goes but every time the fear comes back bigger and stronger.
Unfortunately, the only way I get past my fears it is to tell myself to wait. I can worry about it later. I convince myself that T it too young for us to know if he will have autism. I try to focus on enjoying the moment and only succeed because I convince myself that I can worry later. The best I can figure is that JP lost his skills somewhere between 18 months and 24 months.
Well, T just turned 16 months! Ugh, my time for to worry is here. I am not going to be able to put off my fears anymore. I am going to have to live with them day in and day out. The fears will be going everywhere with me--the shower, the store, my sleep. I can't get away!
Perhaps these are the reasons I couldn't sleep last night. But I doubt that I will be getting much sleep in the months to come. Between T growing up on me and JP preparing for Kindergarten, I AM TERRIFIED!
I hope I have the strength to do everything right for my boys!
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3 comments:
Hey there! Thanks for keeping that article out there in the light. It's so important that these atrocities don't go unnoticed, or they will continue to happen.
Reading your post reminds me of a song that seems to be on a lot of the autism community's myspace sites - My Wish by Rascal Flatts -
My Wish for you is that your life becomes all that you want it to. Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small, you never need to carry more than you can hold. And while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too. Yeah, this is my wish.
That seems to embody all that we want for our kiddos. It's scary when we see all this stuff going on. Not to minimize our fears for our ASD kiddos, but we have genuine fears for our NT kids, too. For example, my oldest is getting his driver's license. I'm petrified. But, I have to have faith that I've educated him as well as I can, and that he has to take it from here...kind of a goofy analogy, but I'm sure you understand where I'm going with that.
Thanks again for stopping by and for making sure that issue stays out there.
Like you, I have lots of worries (as MommyGuilt points out, what parent doesn't?).
But I also have hope. In the last two years I have seen lots of progress with Buddy Boy, and see no reason to believe that he won't continue to progress in the years to come.
It's hard to see progress always, when caught up in the day to day happenings of life. So I sometimes have to sit and consciously think about what things were like 6 months, 1 year, 18 months ago. It helps me to keep things in perspective.
We are all human, which means we WILL make mistakes. Most of them can be remedied. And all anyone of us can do for all of our children is the best we can. And as long as we make them our top priority, it'll all come out OK in the end. We may not have storybook endings, but the ending will be better than it otherwise would have been without our assistance.
I have to admit that I watch my youngest like a hawk. Whereas with my eldest I just assumed he would do everything when he was "supposed" to (and he did) and whereas with my second I assumed she would do things in her own time (she has... but still...), I am now hyper-aware of the timetable for "normal" development.
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