Can't even describe the feeling

How can such an emotion exist? I can't even describe it.

We have had a rough few days as the sensory obstacles have been very overwhelming. We failed at soccer pictures, we were unsuccessful with school pictures, and he has pretty much refused to participate in soccer. He is willingly on the field but he "flies" superman style from goal to goal rather than participating in the game. Yesterday, he was in pure panic mode when I tried to force him to stay with the group as the children took turns dribbling the ball to the goal. He would fall on the ball rather than kick it. It was like he was paralyzed with fear.

It is such an infuriating feeling to see him failing to do something that you know he can physically accomplish. Sometimes you have to remind yourself that just because he has the motor skills DOES NOT mean that he CAN do it. Those damn sensory malfunctions render him paralyzed sometimes. I wanted to yell at him to stand up and kick the damn ball. I felt like he was just being stubborn and overly dramatic. Then I felt nauseous for thinking that way because I spend a lot of my time angry with others who believe that about him. We've even been told that "we need to stop spoiling him". How could I have turned against him too?

Last night, before going to bed I snuck in to give him his goodnight kiss. He is so peaceful in his sleep. He is such a beautiful and bright boy. I always try to finish my day with that vision so that I can remind myself what this is all about.

Then I crawled into bed and reflected on the past week. He has been a mess. I have felt so powerless. He is so smart and capable. He can go so far--but can I get him there? There is so much responsibility when you become a parent. I envy those parents whose children can learn from the world around them. These parents don't have an easy job by any means but their job is manageable. Parenting a child with Autism (high functioning or not) is so overwhelming. How can I teach him everything he needs to know to survive (and thrive) in this crazy world? How can I foresee every obstacle he is going to hit and how do I know how to get him through it?

I want to quit from exhaustion and fear but I can't. I can't let him down. He deserves the world. I look at him and I feel this pull to get it done. His smile and soul gives me the energy to go on but still I feel nauseous at the same time. How can I feel such a purpose yet be so lost at the same time?