To Do List - Friends

1. Friends.

This is a confusing word even for us neurotypicals. I have avoided applying the word to JP's classmates because I don't want to confuse him between the definition of a classmate and a friend. Someone once told me to be careful. They explained that it was risky to teach our children that their classmates are their friends. After all, this might get confusing if or when a classmate bullies them. They need to understand that friends do not bully you!

A few months ago we went to lunch with my aunt and she asked JP who his best friend was. He stared at her blankly and then went into a stim/script about his current fixation because he knew she expected a response but he had no idea how to answer. So I've been reflecting on the fact that this wasn't an unreasonable question for a 5 year old. Perhaps inappropriate to ask a young child with autism but other 5 year olds can tell you who their best friend is and who are NOT their friends and even in some cases who they are going to marry! Yeah, we're not there.

Truthfully, I am not sure JP has a friend. We do lots of playdates but he could really take it or leave it. When I tell him we are going to a playdate he is excited and even will say the child's name excitedly but he never talks about any of these children outside of the context of that playdate. I believe that a few of our autism friends will stay in our lives as "friends" but JP is definitely going to need help learning how to make and maintain a friendship.

I started today by asking JP if he knows what a friend is. He uses the word continuously when quoting his Winnie the Pooh lines. He knows that Pooh, Piglet, Tigger and the rest of the gang are friends. But he didn't have an answer for me. So I told him that a friend is someone you enjoy playing with (later, I'll work on the critical piece where they have to also enjoy his company). He kind of ignored me so I asked him again. No response. I repeated it again. Then I tried to talk him through it. We like going to Burger King with G. We have fun playing on the playground with J.B. after speech. I mentioned that we like playing trains with J.A. His response was an excited "Oh, yeah." But when I asked if he could tell me who some of his friends were...he just ignored me.

So I guess we will start working on this. I think I am going to make a "Friends Book". I'm going to get a picture of our peers and make a page for each child. I am going to write down things we know about that child such as "...likes trains or likes swinging or likes Superman". These will make a reference for JP as I work on playing appropriately to maintain this friendship. For example, if he knows his friend likes trains than we should get the trains out to play when he comes to visit. Then we can work on skills like sharing our beloved Thomas (the coolest train ever) in order to make our friend happy.

2. Break the Winnie the Pooh obsession.

We have cut back, really! We have! Yet Pooh is still ruling our lives. Perhaps I have a greater motivation now that JP has started quoting the line..."I am a bear of very little brain". I may be more sensitive to this given the stereotype regarding the intellect of an autistic individual. I know that his repeating this line is just scripting but I fear that it sets him up to get picked on. Bless him that he doesn't think there is anything wrong with being "of very little brain" and I agree with him. Although I don't think he really even gets the meaning assigned to that phrase.

However, I know that I am also more sensitive to this because of something I overheard on Wednesday. We were at a local indoor play spot when I overheard a herd of 7-8 year olds ridiculing another child. One of the alpha males was holding out his hand and making a "dumb face" and saying, "Hi, my name is Mak and I'm a retard." I don't know if Max was there. I don't know if Max was his best friend or a classmate with special issues. I know it sent chills down my spine. I couldn't think up a way to interject myself into the situation to try and educate the little monsters. It was a group of 4 boys and 4 giggling girls who were busy acting way to cool for their age.

I stood there frozen wanting desperately to interject myself somehow to teach them a lesson. But I didn't know any of the children. They were jumping in a bounce house close to where my children were playing but not where we were playing. Since JP wanted nothing to do with the "castle" (as he calls it) we really had no cause for interaction with the monsters. So I just bit my tongue. If we had we been playing in the same area I might have felt that I could say something. But now I feel sick for letting that transpire. I know it was kids being kids but I am terrified of my JP being the butt of their jokes. And like it or not, he probably will be.

So my new goal is helping him understand this part of human nature and hopefully realizing that it is a flaw in the other children and not him. Most of all, he needs to learn who his friends are and who they are not. He is going to be hurt a few times in his lifetime. We all are. Even those of us without autism.

But I vow to start helping him understand this nasty nature of human beings. We'll have to start at the beginning since he doesn't really even get the whole relationship thing. I don't think it is too early and if we pace ourselves he might be able to figure it out before we get to puberty. Of course, then all the rules change!