A taste of competition

Gymnastics class is great. JP loves the activity and his teacher. But I have to ask the question that is haunting my sleep right now. Why can't we just have a positive experience? Can't anything just ever be good? Why does there always have to be a dark side?

I guess I should start at the beginning. Our first experience at gymnastics was a one on one assessment with the teacher. She did amazing with JP. She knew when to push and when to pull back. She even gave him the freedom to explore the equipment without the pressure of performance. She is an occupational therapist by trade and recently started this gymnastics facility. Ultimately, her adaptive gymnastics classes are serving as a supplement to our OT sessions as well! JP really shined to her that first day. And I need to state for the record that he still loves gymnastics and is excited to go see Ms. Liz.

After our assessment I made sure that he understood that when he returned to the gym the next time he would have to share Ms. Liz with other children. He was okay with this. He actually seemed excited to add children to the mix. His response was, "Oh! Children! Yea!"

Then we went to our first class. I initiated a conversation with JP on our way home. I asked if he had fun at gymnastics. "Oh yes!" he exclaimed. Then he proceeded to say, "Next time there be no children!".

Liz had recommended a Monday class because she said that there were two very verbal Asperger kids in there. They are 2 years older than JP but she thought it would be a good fit. Plus her other classes had larger class sizes and in the Monday class it would be 3 adults/3 kids!

I was excited to have these more verbal peers. I kept thinking that this would be a faster pace and more similar to a neurotypical experience. Ha! I don't know why I would think like this. I was doing exactly what I hate others doing. I was assuming that higher reaching skills means higher functioning. People assume that JP's verbal skills make life easier for him. I get defensive in those situations. And here I was making that same assumption about these Asperger children. What can I say...I had a momentary lapse into fairytale land.

The one we will call "DramaBoy" is very lethargic. He is very big for his age and awkward. He has pretty severe motor planning issues and tends to "fall down" rather than try the task. He claims he falls down while trying but he isn't a very convincing faker. Ms. Liz always dutifully checks his limbs to make sure the pain he "feels" is nothing serious and then urges him along. Once she gives him a good bill of health, it is amazing...the pain stops and he gets up. He is adorable!

The second little guy we will call "Champ". Everything is a competition with this guy. He is the best kicker. He is the best jumper. He is simply the best. He is pretty rambunctious and he wants to be doing whatever anyone else is doing. If someone else is on the beam he wants to be on the beam and he proceeds to tell you that he did it better. I guess the easiest description would be to say that he perseverates on being the best. And unfortunately those around him are always the losers. I am sure he is a good kid. He is just a bit much to take right now. Let's hope it is a phase.

Unfortunately, this is not a very beneficial relationship for either DramaBoy or JP. They are both so anxious about trying new things. They are worried that they can't do it and JP is rarely willing to try something unless he is certain he will succeed. Now imagine having Champ tell him that he is always doing everything wrong.

Last week when we were getting ready to leave JP and I were reviewing his sticker chart. They get a star for every new skill they try. Well, we started mid session so JP only had a handful of stars. Champ's chart was full. He came over to us and grabbed JP's chart. He looked at it and stated matter of factly, "I'm better than you. Mine is all full". My jaw opened and my tongue felt so heavy that I couldn't form words. Champ's Dad chimed in and said, "You've been doing it longer" and ushered Champ out.

Here is the frustrating thing. I am just not sure what level of explanation I need to be giving JP. Initially I didn't think he was even aware of this "competition". However after last week he was pretty quiet after Champ's parting jab. I tested him out when we were talking to Grandma this weekend. I asked JP if he liked gymnastics. He said, "Oh, yes!". I asked if he liked Ms. Liz. He said, "Yes!". I asked if he liked Champ. He said, "Winnie the Pooh lives in the hundred acre wood". I take that as a no.

Lesson Learned: He knows what he doesn't like even if he can't tell me. I guess I have to mind read.

Last night was week 3. Well, JP was pretty defiant. He wouldn't stand on the line beside the other boys. (He didn't articulate this but this is my theory. I watched every moment trying to figure out why my child who was excited to be there was being so obstinate.) Champ was in the middle. DramaBoy is not as threatening to JP and I think that had DramaBoy been in the middle JP might have responded differently. He is willing to do the tasks as long as he could stand on a different line several feet away from Champ. He would look at Ms. Liz and even DramaBoy but he gave no attention to Champ.

Lesson Learned: I have to figure out how to empower JP to deal with Champ and all the other Champs out there. He needs to understand his feelings. He needs the words.

The exhilarating part of this lesson is that JP is socially aware! Often I wondered because of his uncanny ability to ignore an elephant in the room. So his reaction to this is is really quite huge. And yes, I am grateful that he has a reaction. However, I am sitting here terrified because this also means that he will be more vulnerable. Right now I am perseverating on the bully implications in our future.

Here is a whole other dimension that we have to help him figure out. And I don't really know how much to say. Sometimes I worry that if I say something like "Champ wasn't very nice when he said that" then I will be putting bad feeling in JP's head. I worried because I didn't want to put negative thoughts in there if they weren't already there.

But based on JP's behavior last night I am convinced that the negative feelings are in there he just doesn't know how to verbalize them. He knows he doesn't want to be around Champ but he doesn't know how to distance himself. Unfortunately, with only 3 kids in the class it is pretty hard to get away.

Now the bad news...Champ goes to the school JP will be going to next year. There is a very good likelihood that their paths will cross over and over again! I sure hope this competition is a phase!

(Big sigh....)